Poetry Critics…gather ’round

Poetry, This and That, Writing and Blogging

 

I really enjoy writing poems using various Japanese short forms such as the Haiku, with specific rules of compilation.  The joy of writing poetry is new to me, and gives me great pleasure.  I enjoy the short construction and the rules of the art form.  My absolute favorite form, however, is Free Form Poetry (I think its called,) which tends to be informal and not contrived, as is often the case in writing poetry.

This morning I posted a poetic work called a Haibun.  It was fun, I love these prompted projects.  The original criteria stated “75 words or less.”  So when I did my final count I was 12 words over…probably because my sequence is to do most original writing in a notebook, then tweke it and add or take out words that don’t contribute nicely to the finished piece.

My first published version of my poem, Summer Dreaming, which was way outside the rules.  Not that I am necessarily a rules-stickler, but actually having said that I admit that I DO follow rules as long as they are not stupid  or illogical…same for laws, which are different creations of course, but need to be legally changed or rewritten or repealed. ..not simply ignored.

Which version do YOU guys prefer?  The

I.   Summer Dream,   (Original version-87 w0rds)

The beach is warm, like a lullaby
Drifting off into sleepy destinations.
The essence of summer warms the skin
sand conforms to pliant bones.
Dreams ushered in on slumbering excursions,
into the hot summer night.
In a reverie my heart remembers
days of years long past on the conveyor
of Time flowing forward on the current.
The soul considers departing its current bunting,
dreaming of a return flight to the halcyon days

the days of Nirvana
slice of lifetime in rapture
perfection as One.

©Sometimes, 2016

II. Summer Dreaming  (PUBLISHED version…(63 words)

The sand is warm, like a lullaby
The essence of Summer warms the skin,
dreams flicker on slumbering excursions
from out of the hot summer night.

In a reverie my heart remembers
the tantalizing  passage through Time
My soul considers departing its current bunting,
dreaming of return flight to the halcyon days

days of Nirvana,
slice of lifetime in rapture,
perfection as One.

© Sometimes, 2016

What I was trying to convey is a sense of lying on a beach after sunset, half-asleep and so comfortable lying on the soft and welcoming sand.  It is so pleasant to just lie there and soak up the warmth, day-dreaming of other times under different circumstances.   There is no intent for eroticism, but rather for a feeling of utter relaxation and abandonment, with nothing to interrupt that sensation.

12 thoughts on “Poetry Critics…gather ’round”

  1. Both have a distinctive appeal……For myself…being naturally inclined to the minimalist I would invariably go for the shorter version….As it is, I lean more towards the ‘Structuralist’ – ‘Rules’ are challenging…. 🙂 Hugs!

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    1. Oh I admit I like rules, as long as they are intelligent… I do like the succinct forms of writing better, although I admit that I often love the “sound” of my voice rattling on, 🙂

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  2. Both are lovely poems! I like the 2nd one a little better, maybe because it was broken into two stanzas. I love how in each one the feeling of drifting off in the warm sand, remembering good times. 🙂

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  3. They’re both very good! But I really like the 2nd!It’s more mystical and dream like, like memories.
    The first is more descriptive, but (please don’t hate me) cluttered.

    I enjoyed them both respectively in their own right. But for what you described in what you were trying to capture, I vote #2! 🙂

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    1. yes, the first one is cluttered … very windy indeed. I just went wild having 75 whole words to write. It’s always best to say the same thing in fewer words, though I admit I do love the inner sound of my words… 🙂

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  4. Have to admit that I like them both but I love the second one. The brevity adds to the sensual (not erotic either) nature of the experience! Both are awesome in that they took me to my favorite place! 🙂

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  6. I’m in agreement with everyone else who has commented. I enjoyed the second one much more for the economy of words that for me flowed smooth and easy. Thank you for sharing. 🐞

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